When texting a fearful avoidant, avoid being secretive and highly critical. Don't say things like: “I want to tell you something, but I can't right now.” If you're in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant, you'll notice that they always have a reason for not texting you- stress or getting triggered.
If your fearful avoidant ex regularly pulls away for a few days at a time, wait for them to reach out or respond. If it's more than 4 days since you heard from them, send a check-in text. A fearful avoidant leaning anxious will probably need more check-ins.
Start with a “goodnight” every few days and see how your avoidant ex responds, then “good morning” every few days. If they ignore/don't respond, you can express to them that this is something you would really like but if they don't feel comfortable with the texts, you'll stop.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
Many times the fearful avoidant won't reach out because they feel as if they're making a fool out of themselves. If they said something in the past that was really hurtful and damaging they won't reach out because they feel like the damage has been done.
Simply put: an ex with an anxious attachment and fearful avoidants test you to see if you're still interested in them, still have feelings, miss them or want them back them, a dismissive avoidant ex tests you to see if they're still interested in you, still have feelings for you, miss you or want you back.
Why & How. But often avoidants won't initiate contact with their exes, and they rarely unilaterally initiate reuniting because it creates uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability, and they can feel they don't know how go about fixing things.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Barring individual differences, the prototypical fearful-avoidant seems to act just as the preoccupied person would in a relationship as long as anxiety levels are low. They both would crave constant attention, frequent contact, and expressions of love and intimacy.
Fearful-avoidant individuals desire close relationships but are afraid of being hurt, leading to a push-pull dynamic. They struggle with both the need for connection and the fear of rejection.
Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
Emotional distancing: Fearful-avoidant individuals might withdraw emotionally from their partners when they feel threatened, as a way to protect themselves from potential rejection or abandonment. This distancing can manifest as evasive behaviour, avoiding difficult conversations, or even sabotaging the relationship.
Impacts of This Attachment Style
People with fearful avoidant attachment want to form strong interpersonal bonds but also want to protect themselves from rejection. This leads them to seek out relationships but avoid true commitment or to leave as soon as a relationship gets too intimate.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
Not texting
If your fearful-avoidant partner doesn't reach out to you via texting or calling and you're sure they aren't stressed or triggered, they could be testing you. Fearful avoidants sometimes test their partners by withdrawing. They want to see if you'll try to win them back and fight for them.
Avoidant people often long for relationships when they are alone although they use “deactivating strategies” to cope. “Deactivating strategies” are those mental processes by which the Avoidant person convinces themselves that being alone is just as good or better than being in relationship.
Give them space when they pull away.
Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
However, if a fearful-avoidant individual who is engaged in solid self-work connects with an anxiously attached person who is also mindful of personal wounds and needs, the relationship can develop slowly but surely in a safe, lovingly attached way that benefits both partners.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
The avoidant is terrified of losing their independence and as a result they push people away in relationships when that person gets too close. So, I hope you're seeing the pattern here. Every single action an anxious or avoidant will take is usually rooted in their core wounds.
Instead of asking “how do I make my fearful avoidant ex miss me?”; Ask yourself, “How do I make my fearful avoidant ex feel safe, secure and loved enough to want come back?” There is increasing evidence that a secure attachment plays an important role in motivating an avoidant to want to persist in a relationship.