The role of pallbearer or honorary pallbearer is both an honor and a great responsibility. The duties primarily consist of helping to carry or accompany the casket throughout a traditional funeral or burial.
Pallbearer etiquette
Carry the coffin with dignity and respect. Carefully follow the funeral director's instructions. Wear smart and appropriate attire. Walk slowly and steadily.
There is no standard for pallbearer gifts, but those who opt to provide them should make sure that the gesture is meaningful and honors the service—even if just a small token of gratitude.
Due to this heaviness, pallbearers are typically males over the age of 16. However, women can also serve as pallbearers. Those chosen are often close to the departed or the bereaved family.
2. Pallbearers. It is appropriate to send thank you cards to each of the pallbearers thanking them for their service, even in circumstances where service as a pallbearer is largely honorary (as is sometimes the case with cremation).
Pallbearers will have to carry the casket with the body inside, so they will have to transport the body's weight and the coffin. 370 to 400 pounds is the final weight that pallbearers will carry if the casket is standard sized, 200 pounds heavy, whereas the adult body is 200 pounds (male) or 170 pounds (female).
Unless the family expresses a desire otherwise, it is customary in most cases for pallbearers to wear a suit, sports coat, and optional tie. It is not necessary, of course, but the dress represents the dignity & respect of the role. Plan to arrive about 30 minutes prior to the funeral service.
You don't need to send a formal thank you note to everyone who attended the funeral/visitation or sent you a sympathy card. Instead, a thank you note or acknowledgement should be sent to anyone who has done something extra, including: People who sent or brought flowers.
It's best, however, to avoid selecting people who will need to be there to support another family member. For example, a grown son may need to sit with (and offer moral support to) his mother rather than serve as a pallbearer at his father's funeral.
Is Carrying a Coffin Heavy for Pallbearers? Yes, carrying a coffin can be burdensome for pallbearers. The body, casket, and hardware may weigh 400 pounds. If that weight is divided evenly among six pallbearers, each one is responsible for about 66 pounds.
Being a pallbearer requires that you help carry a heavy coffin at waist height with the help of five to seven other pallbearers. The weight of both the decedent and the casket varies but expect to help bear 300 pounds of weight or more.
Usually the head end of the coffin is the heaviest, thus the strongest two of your six pallbearers should take the handles at this end.
Honorary pallbearers can walk during the service with a wreath or commemorative bouquet of flowers instead of carrying the casket. Honorary pallbearers provide an opportunity for those who were close to the deceased to participate in honoring their memory during these tender moments.
While etiquette dictates sending thank you notes for significant gestures, such as sending flowers, bringing food to your home, or participating in the funeral service itself, it is not necessary to send thank you notes for sympathy cards.
A simple 1 to 3 sentence thank you is all that is needed as long as it is personal and comes from the heart. You can purchase sympathy thank you notes that come with a preprinted message or blank note cards for your message. Even if you use preprinted notes, you should add a brief personal message.
Pallbearers need to dress appropriately. Unless the bereaved specify otherwise, men should wear dark, solid suits with white shirts and conservative ties, and women should wear dark pantsuits or dresses. You really don't want to trip when carrying the casket.
If you're overcome with emotion and crying, you will find it's more challenging to carry out your tasks. Take a few deep breaths and try to keep yourself calm. Crying is ok, but at the same time, the work of a pallbearer is important and will require focus.
Family members and close friends are common choices. Either men or women can be pallbearers as long as they are physically capable of doing so. Sometimes, honorary pallbearers can stand in place of individuals that are incapable of physically lifting the casket.
If you have been asked to be a pallbearer but do not feel comfortable performing this role, it is perfectly acceptable to decline. There is no shame in admitting that carrying a casket is not something you feel comfortable doing. If you decline, simply thank the family for asking and express your condolences.
Pallbearers typically sit together in one of the first rows on the right. At some funerals, pallbearers sit with their family or friends in the congregation. If this is the case, just make sure that you speak with the funeral director so you understand when you are required to leave your seat to help move the casket.