According to couples therapist Dr. John Gottman, the Four Horsemen, behavioral predictors of divorce or break-up, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Their destructive nature earned them the name and reference to christian religion: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Usually, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Read more about The Four Horsemen and their antidotes here.
After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
John Gotman's 4 horsemen can predict relationship demise with over 90% accuracy. the 4 relationship behaviours that destroy relationships are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. understanding the 4 horsemen and avoiding them in your own relationship can save your relationship from divorce or ...
In relationships, the "four horsemen" (or communication styles) — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—predict the end of relationships. Identifying these communication patterns is imperative to improving satisfaction in your relationships.
Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt. Of all the horsemen, contempt is the most serious. Couples have to realize that these types of put downs will destroy the fondness and admiration between them.
Stages of a Dying Marriage
A dying marriage is a marriage that is on the brink of ending. The stages of a dying marriage include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are similar to the stages of a breakup but may take longer to complete.
Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen. At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. According to Gottman's research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce.
Showing contempt for your partner
That's because they predict divorce with scary-high accuracy: Contempt: Seeing your partner as beneath you. (Gottman calls this behavior the "kiss of death" for a relationship.) Criticism: Turning a behavior into a statement about your partner's character.
For example, a critical partner might say: “Ugh, you always leave your dirty dishes in the sink. You're such an inconsiderate slob,” instead of saying, “Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the dishes piling up in the sink. Can you help me out by cleaning them before I start dinner?”
According to Gottman's research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.
Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.
Third Marriages Have the Highest Divorce Rate—73%
Those who wed multiple times face a far higher rate of divorce. In fact, 67% of second marriages end, and 73% of third marriages are dissolved.
The 5 "As": Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, and Attention: The Journey to Emotional Fulfillment.
In marriage, you and your spouse are ideally working together to bring about your goals, dreams, and hopes. In any collaborative process, you will be faced with your limitations—it's inevitable. And this begins to illuminate why being shown your limitations is one of the hardest parts of marriage.
While there are numerous divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. During those two high-risk timeframes, two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife. In addition, over 50% of divorced wives never want to remarry while only about 30% of men express that same sentiment. Seeing as most divorces are initiated by women, men can use this statistic to make sure they are being mindful of their wives' needs and wants.
60 percent of all divorces involve individuals aged 25 to 39. 25. Wives are the ones who most often file for divorce at 66 percent on average. That figure has soared to nearly 75 percent in some years.
Usually, married couples in their 20s have sex 80 times a year, whereas those in their 60s are likely to engage in sex only about 20 times annually.
Females were more likely to use criticism and males more likely to use defensiveness. It is important to note, however, that four horsemen arguments do not always begin with criticism.
Behaviors such as disrespecting, cursing, name-calling, and anything else that makes the other person feel bad about themselves reflect contemptuous intentions. Contempt from the person with whom you are supposed to feel secure and protected could put the future of your marriage in doubt.
"Silent divorce refers to a gradual slow decline of a relationship whereby two people drift apart," says relationship therapist Beverley Blackman.
If communities work to reduce inequality among sexes, that could potentially improve spousal longevity and ensure that everyone wins. We can live longer, happier lives but until then, we may have to accept that not just anecdotes, but statistics favour the wives: Men often die first.
Miserable Husband Syndrome or Irritable Male Syndrome is when a man experiences hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger due to the decrease in testosterone caused by aging (andropause), certain medications, or abnormally-high levels of stress.