Gottman dubbed these, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don't use them nearly as often and do more to repair them when they are used.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John Gottman's four decades of research, he has found it to be the number one predictor of divorce.
Stonewalling may be the most harmful of the Four Horsemen to relationship satisfaction, regardless of your race or gender. Males may be at higher risk for this behavior, according to surveys.
The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
It is no surprise, then, that marital infidelity is a leading cause of divorce.
Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. Here are the reasons given and their percentages: Lack of commitment 73% Argue too much 56%
The Fifth Horseman Is Fear.
John Gottman identified four behaviours, which he called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” that he found to be the most destructive during conflict discussions; criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Lisitsa, 2013).
Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.
Using Power and Control. This is by far the most destructive force any human can bring to a marital relationship, and obviously includes the use of physical and sexual abuse or violence.
A study led by the American Sociological Association determined that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women. And the percentage of college-educated American women who initiated divorce is even higher.
“Every marriage has a price to pay, which is to declare a war on some enemies such as non-forgiveness, selfishness, unfaithfulness, insatiable sex, poverty, violence, and absence of love among others. “These enemies are some of the causes of the rising incidences of marriage dissolutions.
"If you're no longer spending any time together, if one or both partners is spending all their time at work, with friends, online — and if feels like a relief not to be with each other — it's a sign that you've already disengaged from the marriage." You don't support or listen to each other.
The Fifth Horseman spotlights non-military disruptions that threaten democratic governments and their citizens. Our challenge is to be mindful of and prepared to thwart all that threatens the stability of our society.
You know it's time to get a divorce when your spouse is neither that partner, nor a friend. Disconnect within a marriage can lead to feelings of loneliness. This loneliness only decays the marriage bond faster. Stay too long, and you'll feel trapped – leading to a messier, more expensive divorce.
Gottman's research demonstrated a gender difference in heterosexual couples when it came to the criticism/defensiveness dynamic. Females were more likely to use criticism and males more likely to use defensiveness. It is important to note, however, that four horsemen arguments do not always begin with criticism.
The fourth and final Horseman is named Death. Known as Θάνατος (Thanatos), of all the riders, he is the only one to whom the text itself explicitly gives a name. Unlike the other three, he is not described as carrying a weapon or other object, instead, he is followed by Hades (the resting place of the dead).
Black Adam fought and destroyed three of the Horsemen in Kahndaq, then followed the avatar of Death to the nation of Bialya for a final showdown. The battle was immense, but ultimately Black Adam proved victorious and he killed the last of the Four Horsemen.
There, he meets Caliban's enforcer Psylocke, who he then entices by strengthening her power, recruiting her as his second horseman. Psylocke leads him to Angel, whose wings had recently been injured in a cagefight. Apocalypse repairs Angel's wings by turning them into metal and recruits him as his third horseman.
According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you've already lived together. In fact, it often doesn't matter if you've been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky.
While there are countless divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. Of those two high-risk periods, there are two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
The average age at the first divorce
The average age for newly married couples going through their first divorce in the United States is 30 years old. About 34% of all divorces initiate spouses aged 25 to 29. The percentage of people 55 to 64 years old who got divorced for the first time is about 43%.