The truth is, that while it might seem like you're arguing over nothing, this type of arguing is usually a sign of unresolved issues. If one or both partners has underlying anxieties or resentments about something, a simple misinterpreted comment can send them into defensiveness, and an argument will start.
Couples often get stuck in a loop in which neither partner is having their needs met, which leads to greater conflict and more need frustration. By being curious about our partner's needs and willing to share our own, we create more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.
Fighting and arguing is actually healthy in relationships
But, it doesn't have to end in competition and hurt feelings. Engaging in a disagreement offers both you and your partner an opportunity to explore a conversation more deeply than surface-level small talk.
“A healthy fight involves active listening and an attempt to understand your partner's perspective and having positive interactions even when you disagree,” she says.
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.
It might sound conflicting (no pun intended), but a long-standing body of marital research shows that couples who argue are more likely to stay together than couples who avoid facing issues.
Believe it or not, the average couple fights anywhere from 1 to 3 times per week. Sometimes these fights occur over topics like finances or child-rearing. Other times these fights can occur over simple miscommunications or underlying issues the couple isn't addressing.
Two significant arguments per week is often seen as a red flag that the couples argue too much. At this level, two fights a week feels like you fight all the time. At this level, clinical psychologists see it as a significant stressor on their nervous systems.
Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.
"In unhealthy arguments, people get defensive and critical," Dr. Greer says. "They start to place blame on the other partner, which is never a healthy situation to be in." The hallmark of an unhealthy argument is when one partner starts saying the word "you" a lot. "You did this.
These argument cycles are usually caused by negative communication patterns that restrict understanding and respect in a relationship. A couples counsellor can help you and your partner understand and improve your communication habits and stop the constant arguments.
You Might Be Avoiding A Deeper Issue In Your Relationship
Richardson says this can be about all sorts of things: a desire for attention, jealousy or trust issues, feeling lonely, or not feeling understood. Even your own history of trauma or relationship issues can come into play.
It's not normal to fight daily over every little thing.
This often happens when there's an underlying problem that is going unaddressed. Take a step back and sit down with your partner. Try to have a calm, respectful conversation about what's really going on here. If that doesn't work, see a couple's counselor.
Red flags in a relationship include excessive jealousy and frequent lying. You should also be wary of a partner who frequently criticizes you or puts you down. Another major red flag is an unwillingness to compromise — relationships shouldn't be one-sided.
Average Relationship Length: Fascinating Facts
The average relationship lasts for 2 years and 9 months before coming to an end. Social media plays an important role in the demise of relationships. The younger the couple, the shorter the relationship – teenagers don't tend to form lasting relationships.
If you argue, it means you know your lover well enough and are brave to voice your opinions. It shows the understanding between you two. Psychologists have carried out tests and have concluded that couples which argue, have a stronger relationship than others. Relationships usually begin with hearts and butterflies.
But instead of viewing arguing as a bad thing, experts agree relationship conflict can actually be healthy—an opportunity to learn more about your partner and how you can work together as a team.
It's common to start fighting after the honeymoon phase is over. Every couple is different, but this period in a relationship usually lasts between 3 months and 2 years.
Gaslighting
Veasley says gaslighting is one of the most common forms of emotional manipulation and a toxic behavior you shouldn't tolerate. It's a good idea to identify ways to deal with gaslighting.
End up using bad argument behavior, such as screaming, blaming, name-calling, door slamming, kicking one partner out of the house, or locking doors.