Being liked and seen as helpful feels good “Some people want their therapist to like them for the same reason they would want anyone to like them — because it makes them feel good,” said Kristi Beroldi, a licensed professional counselor and assistant clinic director for Thriveworks in Reston, Virginia.
So clients often have feelings for their therapists that are like the ones that children have towards their parents. Sometimes it feels like falling in love. Transference is completely natural and normal, and it can enhance the experience of therapy significantly.
Reasons people fall in love with their therapist
You look at your therapist in unrealistic ways (e.g., you perceive them to be perfect and idealize them). You discuss strong emotions from a previous relationship, and/or your therapist may remind you of a past romantic partner.
They won't tell you that. It's too dangerous. A therapist will almost never say, “I love you,” even if they feel or think it. Therapists know that the therapy relationship can be confusing, and it's not unusual for clients to get the wrong idea and fall in love with their therapists.
It's not uncommon for therapists to have feelings for clients, and vice versa—call it transference, countertransference, or something else. But we have to remember that it's the therapist's job to meet the client's therapeutic needs and goals, not the therapist's own personal or professional wants and needs.
Most therapists (71 percent) said they, either sometimes or regularly, found a client sexually attractive. Approximately 23 percent had fantasized about being in a romantic relationship and 27 percent about having sexual contact with a patient.
Be completely honest and transparent. If you start developing feelings for your therapist, tell him or her about it. “Be honest with yourself and with your therapist,” Scharf says. “Your therapist could talk those feelings through with you, what they mean and how to manage them.
Many people fall in love with their therapists – it's the very nature of attachment in human relationships. Modern brain science actually shows us how this happens. Our brains are actually hard wired for a deep level of emotional attachment to others.
Hugs may be acceptable in therapy, and sometimes they aren't. This is all dependent on various factors in the therapeutic relationship and individual characteristics of you and your therapist. Remember, your relationship with your clinician can be close — but it should remain a professional one.
We want to get underneath our defenses and focus on the core emotions to move through them and get to that useful information. Core emotions are a great compass to help us navigate our life authentically.
You feel the need for a hug after some sessions because you and your therapist have shared some very deep emotional communication. A hug would feel like a resolution to you, would feel like a big sigh and a lessening of the intensity of the emotions you are feeling at that moment.
It's okay to ask your therapist about their life. Any questions you have in therapy are valid and are likely relevant to the therapeutic process. Whether your therapist answers the question and shares personal information can depend on their individual personality, philosophy, and approach to your treatment.
The APA Code, Standard 10.08(a), states: "Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy.” This is the first part of the 2-year rule.
An obvious sign of transference is when a client directs emotions at the therapist. For example, if a client cries and accuses the therapist of hurting their feelings for asking a probing question, it may be a sign that a parent hurt the client regarding a similar question/topic in the past.
Can I ask My Therapist What He/She Thinks of Me? Yes, you can, and yes you should. This is a reasonable question to ask a therapist, and any good therapist will be happy to answer.
Transference is a normal human experience and nothing to be ashamed about. Obviously when feelings become intense and confusing it can be really uncomfortable, but it's important to learn to deal with these intense emotions. Talking about it with your therapist is the first step.
After you realize that transference is very common and not shameful, talk about your feelings with your therapist. Professing your love (or whatever emotion you're feeling) may be easier said than done, but it can help your therapist understand your issues and help you get the most out of your therapy.
Can You Be Friends With a Former Therapist? While not common, a friendship can develop when you've finished therapy. There are no official rules or ethical guidelines from either the American Psychological Associated or American Psychiatric Association regarding friendships with former clients.
Your impulse may be to hide romantic or sexual feelings toward your therapist. However, you can and should disclose these thoughts and feelings. Therapists know this happens sometimes, and good therapists are trained to respond with compassion while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
The relationship between a client and their therapist is certainly a unique one. A therapist can be thought of as providing a service or practice, however the therapeutical relationship that is established is an important and healing one that goes far beyond just being a service.
Edward Bordin, defined a good therapeutic relationship as consisting of three essential qualities: an emotional bond of trust, caring, and respect; agreement on the goals of therapy; and collaboration on the "work" or tasks of the treatment.
Many clients don't want to be touched, and it's important to know each person's boundaries. Touch must be for the client's sake, not the therapist's. And when touch helps build connection with the client, it can be a beneficial adjunct to talk therapy.
Therapists are known to help people deal with emotional, psychological and physical issues. They also handle dating therapy and relationship problems. Their job is to determine your personality or behavior by talking to you. With these facts in mind, it can be challenging and yet alluring to date someone in this field.