Shame often emerges when you are at your most vulnerable state, and for those with PTSD, it could very well be the same triggers that cause you to relive your painful past. This is because insecurities are a prime component for people to default to shame.
Shame is a common response to trauma because it is sometimes easier to believe that there is something wrong with you than to believe that your abuser, often a parent or loved one, could hurt you for no reason.
Hence, shame has recently come to be identified in the trauma literature as part of a constellation of negative emotions (along with fear, horror, anger, guilt) that are common for trauma survivors in post-trauma states.
When we experience a traumatic event, shame and guilt are common survival skills we rely on. Like the flight, fight, freeze and appease response, these coping skills that are often meant for our survival, can leave us paralyzed.
Feeling guilt after the experience of a traumatic event is serious, as it has been linked to a number of negative consequences. For example, trauma-related guilt has been found to be associated with depression, shame, social anxiety, low self-esteem, and thoughts of suicide.
Shame is connected to processes that occur within the limbic system, the emotion center of the brain. When something shameful happens, your brain reacts to this stimulus by sending signals to the rest of your body that lead you to feel frozen in place.
Shame has a central social component, and involves fears of being judged, criticized or rejected by others rather than just judging oneself. The origins of shame can almost always be tied back to past experiences of feeling judged, criticized, or rejected by someone else.
Shame is the uncomfortable sensation we feel in the pit of our stomach when it seems we have no safe haven from the judging gaze of others. We feel small and bad about ourselves and wish we could vanish. Although shame is a universal emotion, how it affects mental health and behavior is not self-evident.
Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
The four poles of the Compass of Shame: Withdrawal (hiding), Attack Self (deference), Avoidance (look where I want you to look) and Attack Other (put down).
Researchers have found there are three primary responses to shame: moving away, moving toward, and moving against it. In other words, withdrawal, people pleasing or fighting back against those who trigger our shame response.
Shame is one of the more painful emotions because it arises when those most foundational of human needs, the need to feel safe and the need to belong, remain unmet. Because it is so painful, we are compelled to find ways to avoid it if possible, to manage it when we must, and, if necessary, to neutralise it.
Transient shame – this form of shame is very fleeting and often does not create significant problems. For example, when a person makes a mistake at work, they may feel ashamed for a while, but the feeling quickly passes. Vicarious shame – people can feel shame on behalf of another person, known as vicarious shame.
To heal our shame, we need to be witnessed with compassion.
My response is empathic and compassionate; and it communicates to you a sense of validation. My being moved by you brings your experience to life and allows you to begin to trust its legitimacy.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps people identify negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and replace them with better ways of thinking. Prolonged exposure therapy (PE) gradually exposes an individual to larger doses of triggers linked to trauma to reduce the feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety.
Field says shame often leads to a “sunken” body posture, a physical expression of wanting to disappear. And because it's a type of stress response, it can also lead to common symptoms of sympathetic activation, like blushing cheeks, increased body temperature, sweating, or queasiness.
Be aware of the physical signs of shame
Slumped shoulders, lowering our head, looking down, avoiding eye contact, hesitant speech patterns – these are clues that we feel unworthy and want to avoid letting anyone else see into us.
In some cases, shame from childhood leads to narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic behavior is often a coping mechanism for intense shame or low self-esteem. You may compensate for your internal sense of shame by displaying an inflated ego or by fantasizing about success, power, and perfection.
Some may have a fight-or-flight type of response, which may include muscle tension, heart pounding and sweating because their body "believes it needs to activate," she explains. Others maybe experience a freeze response, which can look like someone who struggles to move or get out of bed.
When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response. The flight response triggers the feeling of needing to disappear, and children who have this response will try to become invisible.
Acknowledge Shame
The first step in dealing with shame is to acknowledge what you're feeling. It's not always obvious that what you're feeling is shame. Sometimes you experience it as anger, irritability, defensiveness, procrastination, or depression.