Often
Over-apologizing can happen for a variety of reasons. Some of the most common reasons, according to Jocelyn Hamsher, a therapist in Arizona, include: false guilt (feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for) carried guilt (feeling guilt for someone else's behavior because they don't feel guilt)
To be truly sorry means feeling regret or sorrow over an unfortunate situation and your role in it. But in unhealthy relationships, people often say, “I'm sorry” not to express genuine regret; instead, they use it to manipulate their significant other.
But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, a diminished sense of entitlement, an unconscious wish to avoid any possibility of criticism or disapproval before it even occurs, an excessive wish to placate and please, some underlying river of shame, or a desire to show off what a well-mannered Brownie Scout one is.
Over-apologizing stems from a submissive state; when individuals use this tactic, they try to avoid confrontation or an escalating situation. This behavior may be especially prevalent in abuse victims who are no longer with their abuser but have not adequately healed from their past.
If you are in a true relationship and you had a fight with your partner, it doesn't matter whose fault it is but saying sorry will make you feel better and loved. Apologizing doesn't always mean that you are wrong and other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
What Is the Sorry Syndrome? The over apologizing ritual, like so many habits in life, often happens at a subconscious level — this is what's known as the Sorry Syndrome. Fortunately, mindfully noticing this tendency frees us to create more intentional, accurate responses.
But in a healthy relationship, saying “I'm sorry” when it's not warranted only stunts your relationship growth and stops you from getting to the bottom of what's really going on. Instead of just glossing over it, try to dig a little deeper—even if it means having an uncomfortable disagreement.
“Over-apologizing can stem from being too hard on ourselves or beating ourselves up for things,” Dr. Juliana Breines, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rhode Island, explained. In addition to anxiety, another mental health disorder that can lead people to over-apologize is OCD.
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. By apologizing, they place doubt in their victims' minds. “They apologized to me, so they can't be as terrible as I remember them being.”
It's a bad habit.
And this is true of apologizing. Over-apologizing dilutes your apologies when they're really needed. And over-apologizing can make you look less confident. It can seem as though you're sorry for everything – for your actions and feelings, for taking up space, for your mere existence.
Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles told Newsweek: "A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology that makes the person apologizing appear as if they are sincerely saying 'I am sorry,' but they aren't taking any responsibility for hurting you.
However, this habit of over-apologizing can be a sign of anxiety. Anxiety craves the approval of others, and hates the presence of tension, so apologizing for even the most minor things can be a sign of an anxious mind.
An obsequious person might apologize often and more than necessary. You might also check out synonyms of obsequious.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
Even if you are not sure if you are in the wrong, it doesn't hurt to apologise, these women say. Studies have shown that women indeed apologise more than men do. But this is not because men are unwilling to say sorry. Rather, it is because there is a big difference in how the two sexes define “offensive behaviour”.
We all know admitting we made a mistake doesn't feel good. “It can feel like a major threat to our sense of self, and can lead to emotions such as anxiety, guilt, shame or sadness – feelings which we'd all rather avoid,” says Dr Babb. “It takes courage to face our capacity to be hurtful and destructive.”
The apology from a narcissist is rarely to make someone else feel better. Narcissists use apologies to return the advantage to them. Narcissists function in a continuous game of control and manipulation. In order to control others, they must feel like they have the upper hand.
Not all apologies are created equal.
You can't be sorry for the way someone else feels. You should express understanding of their feelings, and you should validate them-- but apologizing for them does neither. It's condescending and puts people on the defensive.
According to new research from Canadian psychologists, people apologize about four times a week. But, on average, they offer up these apologies much more often to strangers (22% of the time) than to romantic partners (11%) or family members (7%). The only folks we apologize to more? Friends (46%).
“I appreciate your apology.” “Thanks for saying that.” “What you did really hurt me, but it means a lot that you said sorry. Thank you.”