For instance, saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" to someone who has been offended by a statement is a non-apology apology. It does not admit there was anything wrong with the remarks made, and may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.
Clews continues: "'I'm sorry you feel that way' is also minimising. It's an instant shutdown that lacks empathy for how you may be feeling – a passive-aggressive way of saying, 'I don't have the energy, curiosity or responsibility to find out why my actions, behaviours or words have hurt you.
“I'm sorry you feel that way.”
Narcissists have a hard time admitting fault, and this is their classic attempt at an apology. But it's actually more of a deflection.
KEY TAKEAWAYS. “I'm sorry you feel that way” is considered a half-apology and tends to be ruder than it sounds. You should try “I'm really sorry that we can't see eye to eye” in more professional situations. “It's a shame we don't understand each other” is great informally when disagreeing with friends or family.
If they say “I'm sorry you feel that way" it means —they don't regret what they did, they're just sorry that you didn't like it and that now you're having this argument over it. That's pretty much it.
What Is A Gaslight Apology? A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I'm sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn't help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
For example, instead of accepting responsibility and saying, “I'm sorry I offended you”, people blame-shift by saying something like: “I'm sorry it offended you.” (“My action offended you, not me.”) “I'm sorry you got offended.” (“You shouldn't have been offended.”)
Narcissistic gaslighting examples of this tactic include suggesting you're “confused,” “mixed up” or “misremembering.” Alternatively, they may take the opposite approach, saying something like, “I have no memory of that” or, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
The toxic narcissist
If you happen to have a friend who constantly demands all of your time and attention—and doesn't respond well when you don't meet those demands—you may be dealing with a toxic narcissist.
Toxic people are controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. A narcissist will use gaslighting to make you feel confused and insecure. They will use every opportunity to shame you and isolate you from other people. Also, a narcissist will always play a victim and make you feel guilty.
People-pleasing tendencies: Some people may apologize excessively because they want to be liked and to avoid upsetting others. It's founded on the faulty mindset that you should never impose on people, other people's needs are more important than your own. Some people may apologize excessively as a way of being polite.
Narcissists may use a blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person. For example, they may say, “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.” This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
Set clear standards and hold people to account. Make sure you encourage open, two-way communication and provide training so that they are able to air their views and become comfortable addressing issues in a non-passive-aggressive way.
Remorse/Regret. Responsibility/Recognize. Restitution/Repair/Redress.
King also notes that over-apologizing may be present in adults experiencing prolonged trauma in partnerships. For example, with intimate partner violence, “you may feel the need to make a habit out of trying to keep the peace to experience less violence,” King explains.
Words hold a lot of power over people, and experiencing bullying or abuse can cause someone to have low self-esteem. You might be hard on yourself and lack confidence in your abilities. That can lead to you apologizing for everything — big and small — in order to avoid rejection.
Tell them how their apology is insincere
You can tell them why you feel it was insincere and that you don't feel like it resolved anything. Omar Ruiz, LMFT, founder of Online Private Practice, LLC says the “Best way to respond is to be transparent around your inability to accept their apology.