He remembered the three R's – regret, react, reassure.
So how do we build a worthy apology? Experts like Aaron Lazare and Nick Smith, in their book On Apology, point to four essential parts of the apology, and we can remember them as the 4 R's: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, and Reparation.
If you find yourself in the position of offering a sincere apology, these three appear to be the most important: acknowledging personal responsibility, an explanation for why the violation occurred, and an offer of repair, which may restore the tangible or economic damage that occurred as a result of the violation.
A real apology actually has three parts, and goes like this: “I'm sorry; this is what I did; and this is what I am doing to correct it.” A real apology actually has three parts, and goes like this: “I'm sorry; this is what I did; and this is what I am doing to correct it.”
The Keys to Constructing an Effective Apology
An expression of regret for what happened. An acknowledgment that social norms or expectations were violated. An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person. A request for forgiveness.
To keep their victims nearby, then, they'll make apologies left and right without taking any real actions to improve themselves or make amends. These are not real apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the world will attest that an apology without change is manipulation.
A sincere and effective apology is one that communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you need to really believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the hurt you caused.
American adults rated apologies for a trust violation as more effective when they contained a greater number of the following elements: an acknowledgment of responsibility, an explanation of what went wrong, an expression of regret, an offer of repair, a declaration of repentance, and a request for forgiveness.
Do you know the 4Rs? Reducing, reusing, recycling and recovering remind us of the importance of reducing our waste production on a daily basis and thus avoiding our contribution to the piles of materials found on landfill sites.
so the 4 R's in the 4 R principle are Reduce, Recover, Recycle, and Reuse.
This 360-degree approach is based on what is popularly known as the four R's: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle and Recover.
A humble apology is one in which you admit wrongdoing—“I'm sorry I lost my temper”—showing that you're not above reflecting on your own flaws.
Instead of apologizing for things that are out of your control, use phrases like, “I appreciate your patience” and “Thank you for working with me,” to overcome any awkwardness and reinstate an air of confidence.
Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles told Newsweek: "A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology that makes the person apologizing appear as if they are sincerely saying 'I am sorry,' but they aren't taking any responsibility for hurting you.
But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our own discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.
An insincere apology occurs when it doesn't involve remorse or regret. Sometimes an apology may make you feel worse rather than offering an opportunity for reconciliation. A false apology can lead to resentment and anger, which may make you feel misunderstood, invalidated, or manipulated.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. This is a passive-aggressive apology done to silence the other person and move onto a different topic. It minimizes what the other person has experienced. Im sorry but But is a qualifier. If a person cannot say sorry without adding a but, then they are not sorry.
Toxic people will never apologise for their words and actions because they can't see anything wrong with them. They feel that they are the victim and will often twist and retell what happened to such an extent that they honestly can't see an alternative perspective.
Weak apologies show a lack of effort to take care of a situation. They make a person appear reluctant to take responsibility or look out for the well-being of others.
So how do you apologize when you aren't wrong, or rather, if you believe you aren't wrong? Start by acknowledging how the other person feels. Like any other apology, express regret over what happened. If you're apologizing on behalf of someone on your team, don't make excuses for them.