A fearful-avoidant individual often benefits from the securely attached person's nonreactive, stable energy. At the same time, it's important for those with a secure attachment style to avoid taking the role of "rescuing" or "fixing" a partner who is not securely attached.
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment are a combination of the preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant styles of insecure attachment. They believe they are unlovable and also don't trust other people to support and accept them.
A fearful avoidant attachment style describes a person who craves closeness and support. However, they also fear it and feel the need to distance themselves from others at the same time.
Disorganized/disoriented attachment, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don't deserve love or closeness in a relationship.
Fearful-Avoidant, aka Disorganized Attachment
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is the rarest, and "develops when the child's caregivers — the only source of safety — become a source of fear," according to the Attachment Project, an attachment style education site.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
Those who suffer with Avoidant Personality Disorder frequently use manipulation to get their needs met. Perfectionism; nothing is good enough, the standard is set unrealistically high for themselves and often for others.
Someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often lacks intimacy or commitment in a relationship. They often end up in casual sexual relationships or "situationships" because they're afraid of getting closer to someone.
Inconsistency with words and actions. For example, being late without an acceptable reason. A fearful-avoidant will assume the pieces of the puzzle they arent provided and create their own story. Lying, stealing, cheating, and obvious large-scale issues are big triggers.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
“If a fearful avoidant colleague aligns more with anxious attachment, stressful situations may trigger their fight response.” Another potential benefit of having a fearful avoidant attachment in the workplace is that you may not require the support of your colleagues in order to make decisions or finish tasks.
People with fearful avoidant attachment tend to be very critical of themselves and rarely feel like they fit in anywhere. In fearful avoidant attachment relationships, that often translates to being both hot and cold, leaving your partner confused. You're often accused of being “too intense” or “too emotional”.
The fearful avoidant attachment style occurs in about 7% of the population and typically develops in the first 18 months of life. During this formative period, a child's caregiver may have behaved chaotically or bizarrely. Sometimes the parent could even behave aggressively, causing the child to see them as “scary”.
Do People With Fearful-Avoidant Styles Get Attached? People with this attachment style may experience negative emotions and a strong fear surrounding intimacy and closeness. This can make it difficult for them to become attached to a romantic partner, particularly if that person also has the same attachment style.
People with a fearful avoidant attachment may show signs such as: Feeling conflicted about relationships and people, at the same time wanting and avoiding them. Tumultuous, chaotic, emotionally explosive relationships. Seeking out flaws in partners and using them as the reason for ending the relationship.
Avoidants make up approximately 25 percent of the population, so the chances of finding and dating one is high. If both partners have the determination to work together to become more secure, it can be an extremely enriching, loving relationship—though it will take a little bit more work upfront.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to cope with abandonment issues by not allowing people to get close to them, and not opening up and trusting others. They may be characteristically distant, private, or withdrawn.
If you want to stay in the relationship, you should be aware that you may also have to endure some “testing behaviors.” The person with the fearful style may engage in some negative or challenging behaviors to see if you are going to reject or hurt them.
Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time. Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation.
Remember that healing is always possible – at any age! By learning and regularly practicing secure attachment skills, you can move toward more secure attachment. Suggested practices for this pattern: Often, fearful-avoidant attachment comes from attachment injuries passed from parent to child.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.