An apology requires us to shift our focus from ourselves–our own discomfort, our own embarrassment, our own sense of guilt–to the person or people we've offended–Their hurt, their sense of betrayal. It requires us to act selfless.
A clear "I'm sorry" statement. An expression of regret for what happened. An acknowledgment that social norms or expectations were violated. An empathy statement acknowledging the full impact of our actions on the other person. A request for forgiveness.
4. Take ownership. Admitting to a mistake is often looked at as a reflection of our character. But what's more revealing is how we handle making an apology.
“Every good apology has three operative elements: acknowledgment, acceptance, and amends,” John Baldoni writes in SmartBrief .
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
There are three basic types of apologies. While we may not be conscious of the way we apologize, the words we use reveal our willingness to take responsibility for what happened.
There are six components to an apology – and the more of them you include when you say you're sorry, the more effective your apology will be, according to new research. But if you're pressed for time or space, there are two elements that are the most critical to having your apology accepted.
A true apology does not overdo.It stays focused on acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse. A true apology doesn't get caught up in who's to blame or who “started it.”Maybe you're only 14% to blame and maybe the other person provoked you.
1. Adding “but” at the end of an apology. When used in an apology, “but” signals defensiveness. “I'm sorry, but…” provides a cursory acknowledgement of the other person's feelings and immediately labels it as less important than what you're going to say next.
Say what it is that you're apologizing for. Be specific. Show you understand why it was bad, take ownership, and show that you understand why you caused hurt. Don't make excuses.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
Narcissists may use a blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person. For example, they may say, “I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.” This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
An insincere apology occurs when it doesn't involve remorse or regret. Sometimes an apology may make you feel worse rather than offering an opportunity for reconciliation. A false apology can lead to resentment and anger, which may make you feel misunderstood, invalidated, or manipulated.
No ifs or buts.
A sincere apology does not include caveats or qualifiers. "'But' almost always signifies a rationalization, a criticism, or an excuse," Lerner says. "It doesn't matter if what you say after the 'but' is true, the 'but' makes your apology false."
“Thank you for offering your apology. I would really like to forgive this, but right now, I cannot — what you did was very hurtful to me and it will take some time to heal. In the meantime, we need to function as co-workers and I would prefer to keep any interaction between us as business professionals only.
The most important part of a sincere apology is acknowledging responsibility. 'Our findings showed that the most important component is an acknowledgement of responsibility. Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake.
For example, instead of accepting responsibility and saying, “I'm sorry I offended you”, people blame-shift by saying something like: “I'm sorry it offended you.” (“My action offended you, not me.”) “I'm sorry you got offended.” (“You shouldn't have been offended.”)
A sincere apology will involve saying "I am sorry" without any excuses or caveats. In many cases, a genuine apology that does not attempt to shift blame to anyone else is sufficient in earning your recipient's forgiveness. Part of apologizing sincerely is expressing your regret for the consequences you caused.
Expressing Regret
Expressing regret might be someone's preferred apology language, as it is the most common thing to say, “I'm sorry.” However, due to the ease of this type of apology, it can be frequently overused..
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
THE EMPTY APOLOGY: “I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry.” The empty apology is all form and no substance. It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling. So you go through the motions, saying the words but not meaning them.
It could be divided into four different types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating and coercion. Often the experience is a combination of these four types and not just limited to one of them.
Don't say things like “I really didn't mean it when I said…” or “I did x because Sally did y…”. It lessens the effectiveness of the apology by making you sound insincere. Shifting blame. Avoid saying things like “I'm sorry you were offended” or “I'm sorry the group felt like I was out of line”.