Jealousy may be driven by low self-esteem or a poor self-image. If you don't feel attractive and confident, it can be hard to truly believe that your partner loves and values you. Other times, jealousy can be caused by unrealistic expectations about the relationship.
Research has identified many root causes of extreme jealousy, including low self-esteem, high neuroticism, and feeling possessive of others, particularly romantic partners. Fear of abandonment is also a key motivator.
Trust Issues and Past Trauma – Some people are traumatized by their past relationships. Having someone who cheated on them makes it difficult to trust again, even in a new relationship. When a person lacks trust, seemingly innocuous stimuli can easily trigger jealousy.
Feeling jealous is a signal that someone else might be putting a relationship you have and rely on at risk — and you may need to do something about it to either save that relationship or find what you're getting out of that relationship somewhere else. “Jealousy is hard-wired in all of us,” Jalal says.
The emotion of jealousy is a derivative of shame. It informs us of an obstacle to the connection between ourselves and a loved one, alerting us to a threat to the relationship. The potential disconnection experienced in jealousy often involves a social comparison.
“Jealousy is the highest form of flattery.”
Causes: Where Does Jealousy Come From? Feelings of jealousy often come from extended periods of poor or lack of communication and low self-esteem. People with poor boundaries might experience jealousy, and witnessing parents with poor boundaries usually reinforces maladaptive ways of coping.
Research shows that jealousy is often fueled by insecurity, not love for a partner. The best way to deal with a jealous partner may be to reassure them of your affection. Working on your own confidence and having good communication with your partner are key to coping with jealousy.
Research has shown that jealousy can be a sign of feeling deeply in love with a partner. It may contribute to relationship satisfaction by signaling emotional commitment and investment.
When faced with the desire to get a mate's attention, jealousy induction might be quite effective, but it is risky. It can hurt the one you love and even cause the end of the relationship.
Remember, our jealousy often comes from insecurity in ourselves – a feeling like we are doomed to be deceived, hurt or rejected. Unless we deal with this feeling in ourselves, we are likely to fall victim to feelings of jealousy, distrust or insecurity in any relationship, no matter what the circumstances.
Toxic jealousy becomes a dysfunctional way to get unmet, but very normal, childhood needs for affection and genuine care met in adulthood. Think of toxic jealousy as a giant tantrum, the equivalent of a 4-year-old yelling and flailing about on the floor to get what he or she wants, and to get it immediately.
“Studies from around the world have reported that men are more jealous of sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity,” Nicholson explains. “And women are the opposite — they're more jealous of emotional cheating than sexual cheating.”
Jealous people usually are insecure and have low self-esteem. Their insecurity can manifest in many different ways. Jealousy is very unhealthy and can affect the person who harbors jealousy as well as the person whom someone envies. It can scar him or her psychologically.
In almost every case, envy arises when we are experiencing dissatisfaction in our own lives. It's when we so badly desire and yearn for success, connection or affection from others, and we don't get it.
Extreme Jealously
When jealousy creeps into a romantic relationship, it can often fester into controlling tactics to assert dominance. “Do not ignore this red flag because it could also lead to an abusive and controlling situation,” says Kelman.
We know that feeling jealous or envious can lead to feelings of anxiety, worthlessness, and even acts of verbal or physical abuse. And it's not just the person feeling jealous whose psyche is damaged–it's the person who is the object of jealousy and envy, too. Jealousy and envy are dangerous.
Jealousy is a silent killer that can threaten or destroy even the strongest relationships. The emotions it triggers, including anxiety, fear, anger, pain, and insecurity, are often indicators of underlying problems in your love life.